When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
