SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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