I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
