I wanna bring you to show and tell
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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