I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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