I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
