Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
