her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
