i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
