and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
