You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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