Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
