i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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