I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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