My room smells like vodka and shame
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
