Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
