miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I need a burrito and a hug.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
