Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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