Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
