I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
