It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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