my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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