His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
