He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
