I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
