Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
