last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
