the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
