I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
