At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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