I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
