nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Randomize
