I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
