She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
