From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
