No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
