Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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