Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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