Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
