Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
