I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
