This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
