oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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