I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
