New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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