I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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