Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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