Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
