You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
