break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
