i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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