Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
