fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
