The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
